Application for President

I am immediately suspicious of anyone who believes they should be president of the United States. The fake humility with which most of them approach the job is vomit inducing. These are people with Trump-size egos and ambitions to match, not reluctantly drafted civil servants just doing their duty. Since we are already being inundated with the flood of mendacity that is the presidential (and soon to be congressional) pre-season, I've been thinking how most of what candidates are asked rarely passes my bullshit detector. Not just the answers, mind you: I expect evasiveness and outright fabrication from the candidates themselves. It is the questions. Rarely are they given a prompt to discuss specific policy issues. When they are, and when they are predictably evasive and pandering to imaginary Joe and and Jane America, their interrogators rarely follow up. Not sure how to fix that one, except to say that Wolf Blitzer does not belong within 20 miles of a mayoral debate let alone one for president. But, we can encourage more direct, even biting, questions about topics that matter, rather then asking them to say something nice about the candidate standing next to them. Here's a few that I've thought might be more helpful.

1. As the American lifestyle is completely unsustainable due the requirements of habitat loss, polluting energy, non-renewable resources, and the military action necessary to sustain it, what specific actions are you going to try to implement to make our economy more sustainable now and in the future?
Likely answer from generic candidate number 1: First of all let me say that I believe in the promise of the American future. We have always risen above difficulty and adversity and we will continue to do so. The American people defeated tyranny in World War II and the presided over the liberation of millions from godless communism during the Cold War, and I believe that in this, we will persevere as well.
Follow up: Perhaps you didn't understand the question: I asked what specific strategies you had in place to end America's gluttonous appetite for resources.
Follow up answer from from generic candidate 1: Blah, blah, blah, America, blah, blah, blah, freedom, blah, blah, blah, greatest country in the world.

2. As cars and trucks are major emitters of greenhouse gases in the United States, do you support limits on urban sprawl, the reduction of subsidies to car companies and oil companies in the form of more than 40 billion a year in highway money and investing a large portion of that in cleaner, more efficient transportation technologies like railroads?
LAFGCN2: Unlike candidate number 1, I am dedicated to the protection of the environment. When I was a kid growing up in (insert state here), I used love going to my grandparents house out in the country. I'd spend days out there chasing butterflies, lying in the sun, and just appreciating all the goodness in God's creation. I believe we have a responsibility to protect all of that, and I believe the American people wisely recognize that.
Follow up: Are you people having difficulty hearing the questions up there? We aren't interested in your idyllic childhood, we want to know if you'll push for less federal money on highways and more federal money on railroads.
FUAFGC2: Blah, blah, blah, congress, blah, blah, blah, my voting record, blah, blah, blah, I liked riding trains as a child, blah, blah, blah, economic growth.

3. China has recently surpassed the United States as the greatest emitter of greenhouse gases. As the rest of the world races to match America's standard of living, greenhouse gas emissions will grow exponentially, exacerbating global warming. What strategies do you have in mind to encourage cleaner development in underdeveloped nations?

4. Like a drunken super bowl hero caught with a 14 year-old prostitute, the United States has completely destroyed its image as defender of freedom, etc., etc. What tangible steps will you take to restore that image? For instance, would you close Guantanamo Bay? Would you stop sending more aid to Israel than to any other nation on earth? Would you stop sending soldiers to occupy foreign countries to fulfill narrow political aims? Would you stop hypocritically supporting totalitarian regimes while claiming that's why we need to be in Iraq to support democracy?

5. Will you close Guantanamo, restore Habeas Corpus, and give all persons detained by the U.S. the right to a public trial?

6. Are you willing to set aside nationalist aims to work in cooperation with other nations to find solutions to the problems facing the world, even if that means asking the American people to sacrifice cheap fuel, i-pods, etc. ?

7. How do you think the world should limit population growth?

8. Do you see war, as a technique of foreign policy, as unsustainable due to its cost in human life, material, energy, political capital and due to the fact that it almost never secures it's proponents objectives?

These are just a few questions I think ought to be given serious consideration by national candidates for any office. But they won't. Because we're screwed.